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The Wipe Stuff: How To Set Your Rear End Up For Bathroom Success

Photo by Conor LaRocque

While we've certainly come a long way from the days of banana leaves, man's butt-wiping methodology hasn’t evolved nearly as much as it should. Routinely bad practices can lead to unhealthy and unhygienic consequences.  And according to an article by Dollar Shave Club, poor wiping habits, while widespread and damaging, are also easy to fix. So if you’re struggling with an irritated rear, take the time to re-evaluate both your technique and tools. Hopefully, you can find a solution from the info below and settle on the "wipe stuff."


Paper Trail

Mentioned in the DSC article is Dr. Curtis Asbury, whose input on the subject was taken from yet another article written for Mental Floss. He chalks the issue up to incorrect instruction received as children that has since settled into the mindless bad habits we employ today. And this ignorance is taking a toll on our tushies.

Repeated -- sometimes frantic -- wiping with dry toilet paper can rub a rear raw, causing irritation and even bleeding. Even after getting clean, a rough toilet session can leave one waddling in discomfort.

As for the appropriate wiping direction, conventional wisdom dictates “front to back.” Be thorough, but don’t wipe too aggressively. Try to stay seated, standing up to wipe won’t give you the spread-out surface area for a thorough cleaning. Avoid circular or side-to-side wiping motions -- you’re cleaning up, not painting a mural.

One alternative to dry toilet paper is one of the new-fangled "wet wipes" on the market today.  They're pre-moistened and even boast ingredients to soothe yo' ass.  A 45-Pack of Fresh Body Ass Wipes is nothing to snicker about.

For those who think giving up toilet paper  is unrealistic, consider T.P. that’s septic-safe, but not too flimsy or rough to get the job done. Charmin Ultra Strong and Cottonelle Ultra ComfortCare, for example, are widely regarded as some of the best available.


Bidet We Go

One way to minimize post-toilet unpleasantness is to shower afterwards. Of course, our digestive systems and daily schedules don’t operate under sheer power of will or whim. The bidet, although common in other corners of the world, is not an American mainstay. Perhaps it’s misconstrued as a luxury fixture reserved for the elite, who then perpetuate stereotypes of the unwashed masses. But for the sake of your posterior’s well-being, it’s a bathroom feature well worth standardizing. The bidet isn’t a substitute for wiping, but functions as a follow-up -- like rinsing with mouthwash after brushing your teeth. If you’re serious about keeping your rump clean, installing a bidet could be your next home renovation project.


Take My Wipe, Please

Even though this wiping wisdom is worth remembering, you likely won’t have easy access to choice toilet paper, showers or bidets when you’re away from home. Be prepared for this by investing in Dude Wipes - wet wipes featuring Aloe Vera and Vitamin E that’ll help you finish your business on a fresh note. Their portability allows you to exert at least some control over unpredictable and unsavory public restroom experiences. And they’re safe to flush.


Don’t forget to wash your hands!

This article was written and appeared on Grooming Lounge and our Founder, Mike Gilman, were quoted a lot, so we borrowed the article. Giving them credit -- hope it's OK.

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