You use them everyday and probably consider yourself quite adept, but urinal usage is a battleground with potential hazards lurking around every corner. So, to help upgrade your Men's Room etiquette, here are some tips to become a "wiz" in the loo.
BE SPACEY: It goes without saying that one should never sidle up right next to one of your urinating brethren if farther-away urinals are available. A space in between you and the next guy is always preferred. If you're the first in the door, choosing the farthest stall from the door is the best choice. In second, perhaps choose the middle urinal. Third or fourth, any spot where there's a space or opting for a doored toilet stall is acceptable.
ZIP IT: We're talking about your mouth. There's shouldn't be any extended conversations happening here. While a nod or "how's it going" is OK, discussions about last night's game or your latest T.P.S. Reports are out of bounds. Just take the leak and get out.
THIS ISN'T AMERICAN IDOL: No singing, humming or whistling. Period. This is downright creepy. The goal is to not draw attention to oneself.
TAKE IT TO THE BANK: Using a urinal is not your opportunity to showcase how loud or powerful a stream you have. To put a muzzle on things, always try to bank your stream off the back of the porcelain rather than going directly into the pool. This will keep the sound down and help avoid unwanted back splash.
DON'T PHONE IT IN: There's multi-tasking and then there's just being zany. Zany is checking your phone or tweeting while at the urinal. It's classless and when that phone does eventually fall into the abyss, you'll wish you left it back at your desk.
AVOID THE OVER SHAKE: A couple or three jingles of your unit should do the trick. You shouldn't be resembling that CrossFit workout where you're moving back and forth the braided ropes.
CHEW ON THIS: The lowest of the low are those who spit their gum into the trough. That Dentyne ain't going down the drain. Instead, some poor janitor is going to have to remove your chewed selfishness later that night.
BE STRAIGHTFORWARD: Your eyes and field of vision have two options: directly down or straight ahead. There's no comparison peeking or anything diagonal. It's a recipe for trouble and awkwardness.
BE HANDY: Handsfree is good for phones -- not taking a wiz. Take control of that sucker and point it where you want it to go. You're not a 2-year-old showing off his new toy.
IT'S A WASH: Washing your hands is the sanitary thing to do -- that's the main reason you should do it. But reason #2 is that if anyone ever sees you not washing the hands -- it's a guarantee you'll be known around town as "the guy whose hand you shouldn't shake."
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