Of course there's hundreds of web sites, articles and "experts" that can instruct you on how to avoid shaving irritation. But, when was the last time, or the first time, you read an advice article telling you how to proactively GET razor burn, rashes, nicks, cuts and ingrown hairs? The answer is probably never. So, being the groundbreaking blog and company we are, here's Grooming Lounge's Quick Guide To Getting A Less Comfortable Shave. Below, we'll tell you the essentials required and things to avoid to ensure that face looks and feels pretty horrible on a daily basis.
DON'T CLEANSE YOUR FACE PRIOR TO SHAVING
Doing so will remove the dirt, grit and grime that is essential to clogging your razor and creating a smooth surface for your blade to pass over. And whatever you do, don't use a targeted and gentle face wash designed specifically for the face and whiskers. Instead, just grab a detergent-filled bar soap that'll make certain your face is super dry and susceptible to razor rash and breakouts.
THE LESS PREPARATION THE BETTER
Avoid warming up your face prior to blade touchdown, as this will only serve to soften the skin and whiskers. Definitely, don't shave after a warm shower or after applying a warm and wet towel to your face. From there, just say no to any pre-shave oils that could assist in loosening up the skin and getting those whiskers ready to stand at attention. And whatever you do, don't aggressively work in a high-quality shave cream. Just plop some drug-store cream on top of the beard area and make sure you don't let it absorb or sink in and shave away. The less shave cream the better.
SHAVE IN ANY DAMN DIRECTION YOU PLEASE
Shaving in the direction of hair growth is only for those gents trying to avoid shaving snafus -- and that's not you. Instead of determining which way your beard grows and taking your first passes in that direction, wield your razor randomly -- going against the grain, across the grain and even over the same spot several times. This is essential to getting maximum razor burn.
USE AN AFTERSHAVE PACKED WITH ALCOHOL
Who needs a soothing aftershave balm that reintroduces key nutrients and heals freshly shaved skin -- when instead you could opt for a totally alcohol-based solution that stings like crazy and dries out that precious mug. Aftershaves with major alcohol contents are where it's at for the segment looking to shed a tear during and after the shaving process. If you want, just splash some straight rubbing alcohol on that mug.
AVOID A SOLID AND CONSISTENT SKIN CARE REGIMEN
A solid skin care regimen, including daily cleansing, occasional exfoliation and consistent moisturizing will only serve to make one's skin more resilient and comfortable both pre and post shave. Avoiding such a routine at all costs will all but ensure the arrival of desired razor bumps and ingrown hairs.
*Please note that this post is supposed to be satirical. Don't do any of the stuff above. In fact, do the opposite.