We’ll admit it. There are many other sites out there that offer insightful men’s style and decorum advice. And while we think we’re tops in men’s grooming, Magnificient Bastard is by far the snarkiest, most-well-written and on-target men’s lifestyle blog we’ve ever read. We visit the Bastard daily — but just yesterday stumbled upon perhaps his greatest entry ever. Hope we’re not taking too much liberty by reprinting it here — it’s 100% spot-on and 100% Magnificent Bastard.
1. Act like you’re just not that into your napkin: Your plate is destined to mingle with your food. Your pants and your food should never meet. That’s why as soon as you sit, your napkin goes on your lap.
2. Keep two points of contact with table at all times: Cows have to lower their heads to their troughs to eat because they’re big stupid animals with no hands. You’re human. Sit up straight and use your forearms, not your neck, to get your food within striking distance of your mouth.
3. Shank your entree like it was your worst enemy in lockdown: The chicken should already be dead before it reaches your plate, so there’s no need to attack with lethal force. A thumb and a forefinger is all you need to steady your fork.
4. Pretend your fork is a tiny little shovel: Dinner isn’t supposed to be manual labor. Unless your fritto misto arrives beneath two feet of snow, hold your fork the same way you hold a pencil.
5. Scrape your teeth with your silverware: A fork is not a dental hygiene instrument. If you can’t master chewing your food without chewing your utensils, stick with Ensure or other liquid supplements.
6. Deep-throat your thumb:: If the sauce is that good, the restaurant isn’t going anywhere. Wipe your hands on your napkin and look forward to next time.
7. Floss your teeth with your finger: Not even chubby supermodels should stick their fingers this far into their mouths after eating. Use a toothpick.
Don’t worry… we’ll keep churning out plenty of semi-humorous grooming blogs in the coming months. But, Magnificent Bastard is a great everyday supplement.